shawanda
spewed 2:48 PM 0 expressions

-Act III-

God's really funny sometimes. I was having a conversation with John about knowing what things to actively pursue and what things to put aside when it comes to serving in our church. John has taken a little break from playing drums and I was telling him my feelings about not doing drama. For my friends who knew me in college, and even more so for those who knew me in high school, it would be a little weird hearing me say that I don't feel the need to be doing drama stuff anymore. College may not have been so bad but in high school, drama was 90% of my life. I was in every play, every musical, speech team, contest plays, you name it. If I wasn't wearing the cute little pom pon skirt and dancing around for football and basketball games, I was on a stage somewhere. And everyone knew me as the drama girl. But something happened in college that took away my drive to be on the stage. And by the time I graduated, drama was just a thing I once did. People who have only known me since living in Springfield, don't have a clue that I had such passion for drama. I think it might have slipped out once or twice with some people who were apart of our drama team at Hope. But most of them are gone now.

Anyway, during college, I began feeling like maybe I wasn't as good as everyone thought I was back in high school. Like I would just be kidding myself if I thought anyone would really want to see me perform. So at Campus House, I mainly did things like direct. Because I knew what needed to be said or done but I just didn't have the confidence to think I could pull it off myself. And every since then, I have been carrying that around with me. By the time we started going to Hope, I was coming out of a depression and wasn't really eager to get back into things right away. I was interested in their drama ministry but noticed they had tons of talented people and a number of people in charge. Since I was not confident enough to simply act, joining just in the hopes of directing was out. And I definitely didn't feel the need to ask if I could be someone who directed things. So, slowly, I let God lead me into things. I joined our tech team and eventually joined the worship team. It took two years before I felt courageous enough to do that. I mean, we have even more talented musicians and singers than we do drama people. So after Apex and singing and tech team, I felt that drama was something that I would be okay not participating in. But if God ever called me to get back into it, or if I at least felt like I should rethink things, then I would.

Well, last night, God spoke. I was waiting with a couple of people for worship practice to start when the guy who is now in charge of our drama ministry came over to talk to me. Now, we have never really spoken for long periods of time and I really only know him from the times when I had to light a skit for a weekend service. He asked if I would be interested in helping Act III (that's the name of the drama team) out with a skit they are doing next week. It was one that I already knew about because John is on the programming team and I help come up with special music so occasionally I get to help plan services as well. The part he needs me for doesn't require speaking and quite frankly, he just needs a lot of diverse people so of course I am someone he thinks of. I tell him that It would be okay because I knew they would be looking for a lot of people and figured I would be approached. He reassures me that it is nothing because there is no speaking part. I guess I make this face that lets him know that a speaking part doesn't really scare me because he smiles and asks me if I would do it even if there was a speaking part. I kind of shrug and mumble something. His face just lights up and he starts talking about how he actually had me in mind for a skit they want to do next month but wasn't sure if I would want to do it because it would require speaking. Now, a lot of things have gone through my head since then but to be honest, at that exact moment the only thing I could think of was my conversation with John the other night and God challenging me about really being open to getting back into it if I felt it was something I needed to do. So I told Mike (the director) that I was interested and he said he'd let me see the script.

So I don't know what any of this means as of yet but I think I should at least give it a try. And I feel as if maybe God is telling me that I shouldn't let my fear keep me from something that I use to have such passion for. As of right now, I still am unsure if being apart of Act III is the right thing for me. But until I take a leap and try, I will always wonder if it is really my time to put drama aside, or if it's just the fear of not being any good that is keeping me away.

Song of the day: You Get Me
by Michelle Branch

shawanda
spewed 10:10 AM

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-Transform-

So now that I have changed the look of my blog, I feel more compelled to write in it. It's not that I didn't like the last look, but the original template didn't have everything I wanted and I was finding it hard to alter some things that I found to be important. Plus it may have been a little complicated as far as navigation goes. So I thought maybe it just needed to change totally. I really like this new look. But I have been told that depending on what browser you use, the scrollbars may be a little confusing for some. In some of the browsers (like IE) the color of the scrollbars are white. I like that because it doesn't make the page seem as cluttered. I did however change the arrows to black so that you could see those. So for the Navigation and Ranting sections, just click on the arrows to go up or down. Seems pretty simple huh? But I guess it could be confusing if you didn't know that the arrows were there for that. So now you do.

Anyway, it's not like I am writing this blog for tons of people. I'm not even sure who reads it besides one or two friends. I just write with the hopes that it will help me gain perspective about things. Because sometimes, writing helps me process what's going on in my head. I'ts the reason why I journal a lot for my quiet times with God. Praying alone seems to make me less focused and I tend to wander in my thoughts. But when I journal, no matter how far my brain wanders, I can look to see where I was and get myself back on track. Also, when I go back and read things, I feel that God speaks to me more. Or at least I am better able to listen. Don't know if that makes any sense.

I was just thinking about my journaling and why I can never seem to finish an entire book. And I think it is because the beauty of it wears off after a while. I usually pick a journal that I find pleasing to look at or cool in some way because I figure it will get me excited about writing in it more. (Refer to the first sentence of this entry for proof.) After a while, the thing that drew me to it wears off and my writing in it does as well. So, I know that even though the current look is just what I want, it will change in a few months. I wonder what this says about me. Needing to change things the way I do. I do know that I am totally affected by my surroundings. Atmosphere is everything to me. It can completely make or break my mood. Don't know why that is either.

Song of the day: Fascinating New Thing (FNT)
By Semisonic

shawanda
spewed 11:59 AM

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

-Black Tuesday-

Today is Black Tuesday. I do not wish to explain why or go into any real detail. But I will say that there are things in a person's past. . . people, places, or times. . .that can come back to haunt. I was expecting my ghosts today. I wasn't expecting them to come so late in the day. The better part of my day has actually gone pretty well. Besides a few work related issues, I enjoyed most of my day. I even spent a couple of hours with Apex serving some awesome people at a local shelter. Of course, you can say that my black Tuesday began there. Songs and words floated into the air to remind me that my mourning would come. And before I realized it, I found myself surrounded by memories that I can neither forget nor face. It is on Black Tuesdays that I see myself for who I really am. Chicken
!@%*#. Scared, selfish, and unwilling to face my past.

There are soo many things that I feel proud of. Situations that I face and overcome and hopefully grow in character because of. Maybe one day I will get over my fears, face my ghosts, and step in faith about God's hand in all of this. But until that day comes, I will mourn. Mourn for the things left unsaid or done. Mourn for the debris left behind after such a tragic journey. Mourn for those who suffer through no choice of their own.

Song of the day: We Have Forgotten
by Sixpence None the Richer

shawanda
spewed 8:06 PM

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Monday, April 25, 2005

-Such Stress-


There are times when people hear what I do as my job and just think I have the coolest job ever. For those of you who don't know, I am a secret shopper. Or mystery shopper, customer service analyst, whatever you want to call it. I personally like the third option better because it makes me sound more professional. Anyway, people find out about how I try and make money and all they see is the glamour of shopping and getting free stuff. And yes, this is mostly from the women. And then they talk to me and I'm sure that I just make it sound as if it is the worst thing to do in the whole wide world. Now don't get me wrong, I really do like what I do. But there are a few reasons why when people talk to me and ask me questions about it, I come across as if I would rather be doing something else.

Reason #1: Because I live in such a small area, getting work is very difficult for me. If I want to have a decent month, it usually requires making the effort to travel to surrounding areas. Whenever someone talks to me who is considering trying it out in my area, I know that this will equal more competition in a place that already has too much. (I realize that this may make me sound bad and selfish. But hey, I'm trying to make a living too!)

Reason #2: You barely make any money. Especially when you start off. Most of the assignments you receive are the ones that more experienced shoppers won't take because they pay horribly but require a butt load of work. A lot of people I know have heard stories of shoppers in places like New York who are making way more than they ever made. But ask them how long it took them to get to that point. Most will say around 20 years or so. I have only been doing it for 3. Luckily I am starting to get noticed for my work and therefore am being offered better jobs. Also, once I find out that someone I know works at a particular store; I am ethically called to no longer complete an assignment at that establishment again. Or at least until they leave. Now, I help lead a 20 something ministry. What are the chances that I don't know someone working at a place I may potentially shop?

Reason #3: The stress level can be awful. What most people don't know about secret shopping is that there is way more paperwork than you would ever imagine. Plus, I have to take tests for qualifications and go through briefings and trainings. Sometimes before I can even be assigned a shop there is an hour long process to test my ability to do it. And since I am working out of my home, I don't actually get to see the people I am working for. Now for me this is a great perk. But if I ever have a problem (which is usually the case) there is such a huge amount of stress in trying to contact the correct people all before the shop is to be completed. Or how about if something goes wrong with the shop and I have to turn in my information online before the night is over but everyone I would talk to for problem solving issues is out of their offices. John will probably tell you that this is the worst time for him because my stress level goes through the roof.

And then on top of all of this, there are some jobs that require tons of pages of information for a 45 minute to an hour shop. Things ranging from a person's name all the way to what they were doing at some exact moment at some exact time. Detail that no one should have to remember. Saying or doing obscure things that you think would definitely rat you out as a secret shopper because no one asks those types of questions or behaves in that way. Wednesday I have a shop that I will be doing for the first time and the stress is getting to me a little. They want lots of detail and prep work that I wonder if I will able to complete with success. But I guess I always stress out my first time. I did last week. And no matter how long I am doing this, I will probably always doubt my ability to get the job done well. But it usually works out.

I feel like I should end on a more positive note. Like stating that I really do like what I am doing. I do. And it definitely beats having a regular job where I have to do go into some office environment where they suck the little bit of life and hope you had in you to begin with. And yes, the money can suck at times and jobs are very sporadic. But it is nice to know that if I want a meal at Steak N Shake, have the urge to see a new movie, or need to pick up a few things at the grocery store, I can just check to see if they need a shopper for an evaluation. Because then, I get to do all those things for free!


Song of the day: Such Great Heights
By The Postal Service

shawanda
spewed 3:26 PM

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Sunday, April 24, 2005

-It Is Finished. . .-

Well, sort of. I have spent the last few weeks working on the website for Apex, our 20 something group at church and for the first time, I feel as if I can take a deep breath. Though the website isn't completely finished, most of the big things are out of the way. There are still a couple of pages that I need to finish but that's mostly because I am waiting on pictures from the rest of the group. But if feels good. And I think that the website doesn't look too bad all things considered. I just hope that it is of good use to everyone else in the group.

So now that my work is just about done (for the time being) I am happy to return to my humble blog. Not that I have soo much to say and all of you are just dying to hear it. But I like writing for it. And it is definitely less stressful than trying to put together a full website. Now if I can only figure out how to fix some of the problems I seem to run into with thing template. Well, I guess my work is never really done.


Song of the day: Girl Inform Me
By The Shins


Visit the Apex website here.

shawanda
spewed 1:26 PM

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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

-In the Mood-


Every once in a while, I get into these moods where all I want to do is listen to depressing music or watch a really depressing movie. Sometimes they don't have to be depressing as much as melancholy. When it comes to movies, I seem to eat up anything that is independent, soulful, and has a unique soundtrack to match. And it gets really cool if the cinematography is done well. Muted colors or even that grainy feel. I love it. And then there's the music. There is just something about it that carries my mood and feeds my soul. I don't know why it has such an effect on me. Low tones and minor chords. And the weird thing is, sometimes my mood doesn't have to mirror the kind of music I need. Like yesterday for example. I had such a bad day. Nothing seemed to go right. Because of the thunderstorms in the area, our phone wouldn't really work, one of my favorite shows couldn't come in due to bad reception (we don't have cable), and I missed a meeting for the tech team at my church. Just missed it by an hour because I thought it started at 7 instead of 6. But after all was said and done, I think I was more frustrated than melancholy. So the depressing music didn't seem to do it. But today, I am totally there. And to be honest, I'm not even in a bad mood. Not really depressed. More like blah. And since I seem to have more of those days than any, I have a list of songs that put me in that spot of self reflection with a mournful soul. Sometimes when I am done listening to my music, I feel much better. Like it was just what I needed to pull me out. I actually have this CD I made of songs I heard from different soundtracks. All of them songs I instantly gravitated to as I watched the movies they were in. And as I made my CD, I slowly worked it so the lighter songs were at the end. I think I did such an awesome job because that is definitely a CD that helps bring me out of the blahs. Movies are a little trickier for me. They more than often have the opposite effect. Because I love the movie more when the ending isn't all nice and neat. But of course that means I feel even worse when I'm done watching it. So I don't view the movies as much as I listen to the music. Plus, I can listen to the music even as I work.


Look at me. I have just rambled about something that most of you could probably care less about. And for those of you who do, you may find that I know absolutely nothing about which I am speaking of. But I can say I do know what I like. Maybe it's time to pop in that soundtrack CD and finish the second half of my day.


Song of the day: Save Me
By Remy Zero

shawanda
spewed 11:16 AM

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Sunday, April 10, 2005

-Skateboarding Momma-

So I know I didn't post anything this past week. I am in the process of creating a website for the young adults group John and I help lead. I mentioned earlier that I am relearning html and all things web related. I guess you can say I'm still in the learning stage. Anyway, it's taking up most of my free time and by the time I'm done, the last thing I want to do is more computer stuff. But a lot of little things have happened that I would have loved posting about. The coolest would have to be my first lessons in skateboarding. This past Christmas I bought John a skateboard and because the weather has been sucky, most of his skateboard time has consisted up rolling up and down the tiny hallway of our townhouse. But this was the first week the weather's been great and so we (along with our friend Hannah) headed out to a local skate park to get some real practice. Now of course this didn't happen until late into the night. We sooo aren't ready for actual skateboarders to see us fumbling around. John has gotten pretty decent and is starting to really feel comfortable on the board. Hannah seems to be picking it up nicely while I am slowly tagging along. We went back again tonight after small group and I must say that Hannah and I have gotten a little better. Now I must preface that our teacher is John so you can probably guess what our "progress" is like. But for someone who is learning himself, he seems to be a pretty good teacher. For us any way. And though my only claim to fame is that I can stay on the board for more than two seconds, I am just stoked that the three of us are fufilling a goal we had. . .together. And I guess the fact that I think skateboarding (and skateboarders) to be one of the coolest things around lends to my excitement. Once I've conquered this, it's on to the bass!

Check out one of my favorite skatebaording sites. It's for this awesome skate ministry and it features my favorite skater, Tim Byrne. His forte is freestyle. He has a heart for Jesus and moves that you wouldn't belive.

Song of the day: Dare You to Move
By Switchfoot

shawanda
spewed 9:30 AM

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Sunday, April 03, 2005

-History of Faith-

Today was definitely one of those days where I have been confronted with the fact that I have been extremely blessed. Christian Campus House of Eastern Illinois University had it's Annual Banquet this weekend and John and I were able to make it back to go to the Sunday morning service. Going back to Campus House was suppose to be this cool thing where I maybe got to see a few old friends and hang out with Miss Rebekah a little bit. But I walked (or rode) away with a sense of awe and appreciation for the way that God used that college ministry in Charleston, IL. After seeing how God has been working and maturing some of my friends, it became clear that I was part of a ministry that will forever be remembered. Listening to Roger speak and remembering what it was like when I was there, I was struck with the knowledge that not every college has a place where kids can go to and really be challenged in their faith. Not only was I challenged, but I was encouraged and tested in my view of service. I learned about relationship and commitment in regards to my faith. I was there to see friends radically changed and witness some awesome periods of growth for both me and those close to me. And now, six years later, I was able to see the way Campus House helped each of us become leaders and actively involved in our church and community around us.

Later during my church small group, I was able to share about the awesome place I once was a part of and talk about a part of my past that played a huge part in forming who I am as a Christian today. I still continue to grow and learn as I live out my faith. But recognizing where I came from and what a blessing it was to have the teaching and friend base that I had was very impactful. I can say with pride that I was a part of a place that continues to change lives and mature faiths. I have a history that was vital in giving me a solid foundation. And I am a part of a ministry's history through my service and relationships with others. What an awesome thing to know.

Song of the day: Light of the World
By Jennifer Knapp

shawanda
spewed 9:09 PM

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Saturday, April 02, 2005

-Without a Hitch-


Well, the wedding day has come and gone and it seems that everything went off without any problems. My friend Olivia was very calm for a bride about to get married. And being the person that was responsible for making sure things went okay for her, she made my job a lot less stressful. I seemed to have a few problems this morning with timing. But in the end, everything worked itself out. It was cool to see people appreciate all the work that we did for decorating the church. But nothing was as good as getting to sit down and eat some of the awesome food. It wasn't anything real fancy, but totally hit the spot. I don't know if it was due to the fact that I hadn't gotten the chance to eat all day, or if the food was just that good, but it almost rivaled Chesepeake Bay. Almost. My favorite part of the night was certainly the dancing. For those of you who know me, that probably isn't a surprise. I think it was especially awesome because it meant that my portion of the day was over. It was the first time I was able to relax and kick back. That was until the bride and groom were ready to leave.

So all in all the day was great. It's really good to be sitting here out of my dress and back in some comfy clothes. Now I just have to find a way to tend to my sore arms and legs.


Song of the day: You & Me
by LifeHouse

shawanda
spewed 9:37 PM

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