::this beautiful mess::

- Tick, Tick, Tick, Boom -
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I feel as if I have been having one of those weeks where things just keep going wrong. Nothing big mind you, but just enough little things to drive a person crazy. Things with work, plans coming undone, and the long standing computer issues have left me a little on the cranky side. I fear that the frustration I am feeling this week is putting tension between John and myself. I also fear that maybe I have become slightly more sensitive as well. Minor mess-ups leave me feeling like a failure while the slightest hint of an unkind word or notion makes me feel as if no one cares. I hate these kinds of weeks because I wonder if I don't just come off sounding whiney or pitiful. And I don't mean to be. I don't want people feeling sorry for me or going, "Oh no Shawanda, we just adore you!" Not that this isn't nice or anything but with weeks like this, it just comes off to me sounding like pity.
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So what's a girl to do? One part of me knows that my circumstances are the only reason I feel so icky but my feelings won't separate themselves from the circumstances enough to care. I think it's one of the many mysteries of being a girl. Perhaps I shall say a special prayer for John in hopes that God will help him get through the rest of this week with me.
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Song of the day: To Be Free
by Emiliana Torrini
shawanda
spewed
1:16 PM
---++--- 2 expressions

Comments:
This isn't exactly an antidote to your problem but I can give you a very powerful phrase.

I was the speech teacher for a class of early childhood kids for 2 years. Now to qualify to be in ece you have to be between 3-5 years old and more than a year delayed in some area of development. A lot of these kids qualified in many areas- speech, physical (both fine and gross motor), intelligence, social emotional. Anyway these kids had a myriad of problems, a lot of them had not so great homes to boot. Some days would be great with these kids, some days down right evil. Anything could set it off. Bad seat on the bus, feeling like they have no friends, not using the potty right (for the boys that would mean missing). I would get them sat down on some of these days and they couldn't do for me what they had done before, add another notch for the bad day. So one day I asked one of my kids "Are you having a bad time inside yourself?" And he said "Yeah..."

Since then I have been describing these moments, days, weeks as "Bad times inside myself." I've found that I can say that to Jonathan and he knows what that means now and so he knows not to take anything too personally because Amanda is just having a bad time inside myself.

Sometimes just being able to accurately put words to what is going on is the most helpful.

# posted by Anonymous : 9:21 PM

John read my post and thought it was neat that I could be soo honest about myself. Usually for him, he can gage where my mood is by the music I am listening to that day. I guess there are certain songs that get heavier rotation when I'm having a "Bad time inside myself." So that is helpful. But usually I can just tell him. I think the real "tension" comes in when he is also having a stressful week or something. We both tend to be a little less understanding of each other when this happens. But usually, he's great with the understanding.

# posted by shawanda : 1:05 PM

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