-Haunted-
.I know I'll have a hard time writing this. As it is I'm having a hard time putting into words what I'm feeling or accurately describe what has happened to me. But sometimes writing and sharing with all of you helps me clarify the thoughts swirling around in my mind. I hope you all will be patient as I try to describe the events and feelings surrounding this situation. I apologize right now for the longness of it all. (Read at your own risk.)
.This past weekend I was involved in a skit about the power and importance of a small community - a small group skit if you will. In it, I portrayed the wife (soon to be ex) of a man who is changed by this community.
.This entry is not really about the skit itself - even though I felt very weird playing someone else's wife. (Holding hands and kissing some other guy on the cheek in front of an entire church left me a little hesitant.) No, this entry is about what happened off-stage and the weird encounters I had with the guy who played my husband.
.We only had 5 rehearsals before this weekend's performance and I am still amazed that things escalated soo quickly. During the first rehearsal, my "husband" and I met for the first time. Having to develop feelings for someone I just met was an odd practice and it seemed as if we were both a little awkward. But we have a great director and he along with everyone else in the cast, kind of eased the tension for me. By the second and third rehearsal, we were all joking about how I was described in the skit (very beautiful and an all around perfect woman). People would say things like,
"No wonder he fell in love with you." and,
"Must me nice to be thought soo much of." So when my "husband" started saying things to me I thought he was simply joking with me like everyone else. By the fifth rehearsal, my "husband" seemed to be a little more comfortable with me than I was with him. They say that a woman's intuition is valuable and I wish that I would have listened to mine back then.
.When Saturday night rolled around I was feeling
very uncomfortable. I had told John about my weirdness with the guy but nothing happened that crossed any real lines. He joked with me like everyone else but something within me didn't feel quite right when the joking came from him. It seemed as if there was something about the way he said things to me. But after doing some research, I found out the this guy was married and told myself that it must be a case of misunderstanding and over analyzing.
.The service started and this guy and I were to come onto the stage from a different side than everyone else. So there we were backstage in almost total darkness waiting for our cue to come on. That's when he leaned over, lightly kissed me on the cheek, and whispered, "I owe you one." I was soo freaked out! I didn't know what to say or do so I just stood there astounded. I wish a million times since then that I would have had the words to say to him. But at the time, all I could think about was my uncomfortableness and that I couldn't discuss this right before we were to walk out on stage, totally in love with one another. I told John when I got home and we talked things out. I decided that I would try with all my might to avoid being alone with him the next day until right before we were due to perform. I had talked myself into thinking that maybe I was once again reading too much into this. But the next day was worse. Not only did he kiss me on the cheek and tell me the same thing, but he hugged me in a way that just didn't seem friendly at all. Again we were alone backstage left with only a small window of time before we needed to go onstage.
.When I first thought about writing this, I was going to write about how this situation has tainted a passion that God has fought for within me. I was going to talk about how this makes me a little weary of being in skits at church with guys I don't know. This use to be a cool way for me to meet some people I hadn't connected with yet. But now. . .
.I'm terrified because the of the talk I may have with my director. I'm afraid that I won't be able to convey the line that was crossed. (I don't know if I've even done it here.) Just saying that someone kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug hardly sounds threatening. Many of the older members of our church do it and there is even a guy who I kind of view as a grandpa figure who does those things all the time and even tells me how much I light up a room. However, this guy made me feel things that I am having a hard time erasing from my head. It kinda haunts me. All day yesterday, I periodically could smell his cologne which seemed to bring back everything. I'm still fighting myself about whether or not I am just reading too much into this. Please pray that God would give me wisdom on dealing with this while at the same time healing the part of me that feels slightly violated.
shawanda
3:23 PM
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-Thoughts-
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Well, John and I returned from our trip to Colorado a few days ago. You can get some of the lowdown about the trip from his blog. So much is going through my mind right now that it is a wonder that I feel pretty peaceful. I look behind me at the wall-mounted planner and marvel at how quickly we launched back into our day-to day.
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I think I need to set aside some time each day to write about things. I am finding myself putting it off. The problem with this is that when I am ready to write, I usually have quite a few things to write about. But because I don't want to spend hours writing about every event that happened, I end up cheapening each thing by only writing a short synopsis. Sometimes, I just don't bother to write about things at all.
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Today I've decided to write about the two things that stick out most in my mind. The first being my thoughts about our time at Helping Hands. The second deals with my thoughts after yesterday's book club meeting. I apologize for the long post in advance.
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Helping Hands
For those of you who don't know, Helping Hands is a homeless shelter that Apex serves food to every month. Our hope is that each time we visit, we will see new faces because if means that the old faces have found places and were ready to move on. However, the constant transition makes it hard to develop deep connections. So our main goal is to feed them a good meal and spend time with them while we can. We have developed a relationship with the two people in charge (at least for our night) and that seems to be going well. In the future, we want to start providing transportation to anyone who is interested in attending church with us. We are still working out the details for that. Anyway, all of this is just to say that I left the shelter Tuesday night feeling really good. Not because I feel the need for a pat on the back - but because I can say that I am doing something to better my community and the people that live in it. It may not be much in the eyes of some, but seeing the faces of those we serve, I know that it is something. Most of the time we make dishes like chili and spaghetti. But for next month I would love to serve them food from some nice restaurant. Some place that we take for granted and may not even think much of. Some place like Olive Garden or Friday's. We'll see what happens.
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Book Club
Yesterday John and I had our Blue Like Jazz book club. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Same great conversation as always. Lots of good topics came up. But one topic sticks out in my head today. We got on the topic of what our lives might look like if we lived each day with absolute belief in Jesus and everything given to us through God's Word. What in our lives would be different? For me, I had to admit that a lot of my time wouldn't be wasted like it can get sometimes. But honestly, I had to agree with Hannah when she said that she probably wouldn't be as insecure as she is. As I sit here writing this, I can't help but think about all the things I stress and worry over. I can't help but look back at all the times I let my insecurities keep me from using my gifts and living my life in the way I felt called. Just ask John. He could definitely tell you stories about the paralyzing fear I've had in the past. Stories about comparing myself to others and thinking I just don't measure up. If I truly lived my life in the knowledge of Christ and the promises of God's Word, I would not only be aware of who I am, but I would live with confidence.
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I told the guys last night that I have been on a journey to find myself. It's been about three years and I have come a long way I think. Yet, I still have my moments of self doubt. Doubt in who God created me to be. Doubt in what He may be calling me towards. But I look back at the old Shawanda who on the inside, trembled in a corner worrying what everyone else thought of her. Questioning God as to why He made her soo weird and strange and different. It's nice to have my days where I am proud of me and think that there is no one as awesome as me. I am unique and special and God made me to be me for a purpose. Just like He made you.
shawanda
2:12 PM
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-Say Something-
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There's a lot on my mind tonight. I lot of things going on that I just haven't had time to write about. And now that it's the night before our big road trip with Hannah to Colorado, I can't spend too much time writing about them now.
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Probably the coolest thing I could write about revolves around my Saturday night this past weekend. A few people from our Apex group pitched in to help another young adult group with a random act of kindness they organized. It was nothing spectacular or complicated. But being a part of what Servant Revolution was doing was very rewarding. For the entire weekend, SR had volunteers at all of the entrances of the State Fair here in Springfield, passing out free water to fair goers. That's it! Nothing fancy or ultra-Christian like. But I tell ya, it was the coolest thing. I don't know what I enjoyed more:
1. seeing people's faces go from "whatever" to welcoming when they realized that we really didn't want anything for the water or
2. realizing that I was putting action to my belief of uniting with other churches for a greater good.
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Through Apex, I am already serving my community with the love of Christ. But this Saturday, I didn't get the credit for it. Apex didn't get the credit for it. On all the bottles, SR attached labels with their name and web address. When people go to visit their website, they will hear about their group and their church. We seemed to get along well with the SR group and there was talk of doing more service projects together. We have also talked with other young adult groups in the community about serving with one another. There seems to be a growing desire within the young adult community here in Springfield to break down the walls that have been put up between churches. To push past the idea that being a member of one church negates you from being an active supporter of another. I wish more church groups were okay with helping other churches out. Partnering and supporting what God is doing through them.
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Well, we head out for Colorado very early (4 AM!) I have gotten most of my things together but still have a few miscellaneous items to take care of. I also want to make sure that the house is clean before we leave. There is nothing I hate more than coming home from a trip to a disaster zone. Somehow, walking into an organized house makes the transition back to day-to-day life a little easier. It will be cool to spend a few days with Tadd and catch up. Maybe I will leave an Audio Blog entry while we're there.
shawanda
6:34 PM
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-For Robb, Barry, & John-
.I stole
this link from
Karen's blog but thought you guys might enjoy this. I seem to remember having a conversation about this very topic. It
was you three, right? If not, I heard this being talked about on a movie or a show or something - which just means I have completely blurred reality with fantasy. Now that I think of it, I probably did hear it discussed on a show. Still, you guys will enjoy it.
shawanda
4:35 PM
I always seem to have a harder time when John is away. For some reason I never quite know what to do with myself. Even in the mist of projects and work assignments, I just try and fill up time until he comes back. This time is no exception. Luckily, I had some wonderful things to distract me during my limited free time.
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When John goes away, I usually use it as an opportunity to rent some girly movies and catch up on things that need tending to. This time, I skipped the girly movies and checked out a couple of foreign films. Yesterday, I got a chance to watch a really beautiful movie called Whale Rider. It's about a twelve-year-old girl who lives in a small Maori village that's struggling to embrace the future of their people while still holding on to their ancient customs. Well, it's about a lot more but you have to see it to see what I mean.
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Today is more of a music day for me. Mostly this has to do with the fact that I am confined to my computer this week and can have music playing in the background while I work on things. The past couple of days my speakers have been filled with Remy Zero, Colin Hay, Iron and Wine, The Shins, Frou Frou, Nick Drake. Right now I'm groovin' to Phantom Planet which is great. I had to steal the CDs from John who has been hogging them since he bought the two discs.
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Well, I need to wrap this post up so that I can finish taking care of some things I have been working on for a few days now. It's the reason why I am not attending the book club tonight (sorry guys - hope the conversation is awesome). Maybe in my next post, I'll talk about our book club. We are going through Blue Like Jazz and so far, the discussions have been awesome.
shawanda
3:19 PM
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-Tagged Again-
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So, now that I feel well enough to post again, it seems that I have a little catching up to do. Both Karen and Ange have tagged me for two different posts. I think it only fitting to answer Karen's first since her tag was given first. Later I will respond to Ange's tag. So here goes:
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5 Reasons I Am A Dork
. - I tend to make up songs, jingles about what I am doing, or places that I attend.
Sometimes the songs are Shawanda originals but sometimes I just take current songs and change the words around. Just ask Sara about our Bill Whitsman songs.
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2. I enjoy playing the Sims and making intricate families that are almost impossible to play. The problem resides in the fact that I have each character's story written out in my head. It makes for much less game flexibility.
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3. I like my books to look as if they have never been read. No matter how many times I have read a book or how long I have owned it, I hate to see that inevitable line in the middle of the spine. The only exception is my Bible.
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4. I love the smell of gasoline, Rubber Cement, and White Out.
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5. I spaz out over the silliest of things. In fact, coming up with this list was a little more stressful than it should have been. I actually had John read this over to make sure that I didn't sound like a complete dork.
So there you have it. I am supposed to tag 5 people now so I will tag Tammy, Amanda, Jessica, Stephanie, and Katie. I have a feeling that the things you guys would put down as dorky traits are actually the reasons why I would think you were cool.
shawanda
10:35 AM
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-New Xanga Post-
.Well, I finally got it! My super early birthday present to myself is currently sitting behind me. To find out more check out
my Xanga site.
shawanda
8:22 PM
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