-Haunted-
.I know I'll have a hard time writing this. As it is I'm having a hard time putting into words what I'm feeling or accurately describe what has happened to me. But sometimes writing and sharing with all of you helps me clarify the thoughts swirling around in my mind. I hope you all will be patient as I try to describe the events and feelings surrounding this situation. I apologize right now for the longness of it all. (Read at your own risk.)
.This past weekend I was involved in a skit about the power and importance of a small community - a small group skit if you will. In it, I portrayed the wife (soon to be ex) of a man who is changed by this community.
.This entry is not really about the skit itself - even though I felt very weird playing someone else's wife. (Holding hands and kissing some other guy on the cheek in front of an entire church left me a little hesitant.) No, this entry is about what happened off-stage and the weird encounters I had with the guy who played my husband.
.We only had 5 rehearsals before this weekend's performance and I am still amazed that things escalated soo quickly. During the first rehearsal, my "husband" and I met for the first time. Having to develop feelings for someone I just met was an odd practice and it seemed as if we were both a little awkward. But we have a great director and he along with everyone else in the cast, kind of eased the tension for me. By the second and third rehearsal, we were all joking about how I was described in the skit (very beautiful and an all around perfect woman). People would say things like,
"No wonder he fell in love with you." and,
"Must me nice to be thought soo much of." So when my "husband" started saying things to me I thought he was simply joking with me like everyone else. By the fifth rehearsal, my "husband" seemed to be a little more comfortable with me than I was with him. They say that a woman's intuition is valuable and I wish that I would have listened to mine back then.
.When Saturday night rolled around I was feeling
very uncomfortable. I had told John about my weirdness with the guy but nothing happened that crossed any real lines. He joked with me like everyone else but something within me didn't feel quite right when the joking came from him. It seemed as if there was something about the way he said things to me. But after doing some research, I found out the this guy was married and told myself that it must be a case of misunderstanding and over analyzing.
.The service started and this guy and I were to come onto the stage from a different side than everyone else. So there we were backstage in almost total darkness waiting for our cue to come on. That's when he leaned over, lightly kissed me on the cheek, and whispered, "I owe you one." I was soo freaked out! I didn't know what to say or do so I just stood there astounded. I wish a million times since then that I would have had the words to say to him. But at the time, all I could think about was my uncomfortableness and that I couldn't discuss this right before we were to walk out on stage, totally in love with one another. I told John when I got home and we talked things out. I decided that I would try with all my might to avoid being alone with him the next day until right before we were due to perform. I had talked myself into thinking that maybe I was once again reading too much into this. But the next day was worse. Not only did he kiss me on the cheek and tell me the same thing, but he hugged me in a way that just didn't seem friendly at all. Again we were alone backstage left with only a small window of time before we needed to go onstage.
.When I first thought about writing this, I was going to write about how this situation has tainted a passion that God has fought for within me. I was going to talk about how this makes me a little weary of being in skits at church with guys I don't know. This use to be a cool way for me to meet some people I hadn't connected with yet. But now. . .
.I'm terrified because the of the talk I may have with my director. I'm afraid that I won't be able to convey the line that was crossed. (I don't know if I've even done it here.) Just saying that someone kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug hardly sounds threatening. Many of the older members of our church do it and there is even a guy who I kind of view as a grandpa figure who does those things all the time and even tells me how much I light up a room. However, this guy made me feel things that I am having a hard time erasing from my head. It kinda haunts me. All day yesterday, I periodically could smell his cologne which seemed to bring back everything. I'm still fighting myself about whether or not I am just reading too much into this. Please pray that God would give me wisdom on dealing with this while at the same time healing the part of me that feels slightly violated.
shawanda
3:23 PM
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