-I Can't Get Started-

Well. . .
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It's been ages since I blogged about anything of significance. Heck, it's been ages since I've blogged at all. I know that a good number of you have wondered about me and where I've been. For those of you who have also commented on my lack of entries, I just want say thanks. . . it feels good to be missed.
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As far as an explanation goes for why I haven't written in months, the best I can say is that I just haven't had the words. I find myself in a place (for months now) where trying to describe my feelings and putting words to my thoughts is the most difficult thing. This isn't normally like me. So even though things have indeed happened in my life - spiritually, emotionally, relationally - I just couldn't write about it. Some days I would start an entry only to get about a few sentences in before giving up. I saved a couple of drafts in hopes of going back to complete some of the more "successful" attempts. These too were to no avail.
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I feel lost without my words. They weren't always eloquent or witty but they were mine. And as someone who needs to talk things over in order to process or heal or. . .whatever, this just. . .
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Well simply put - it sucks! But thank God for music. Most of you know that I would probably die if there was no music in my life. That phrase has never been more true than this period in my life. Music always seems to feed my soul and I'm finding myself relying on it now to express those things I just can't seem to. The problem is that I often times find meaning and connection in lyrics that most others don't get. Sometimes it's not the words at all but the tone and feel of the instrumental that speaks to (and for) me. So, I guess to end this entry I can leave you with a list of songs that have carried me through these last few months. Album wise, Remy Zero's Villa Elaine, Joshua Radin's We Were Here, and most recently Death Cab for Cutie's Plans have been on very heavy rotation. Here is a list of specific songs with links to lyrics (if I can find them) so you can read them if you want. And as I said before, sometimes the lyrics themselves don't speak as loudly as the feel of the music behind the words.
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Different Name for the Same Thing - Death Cab for Cutie
I'm Not Afraid - Remy Zero
Tulips - Bloc Party
Sundrenched World - Joshua Radin
Love Will Come Through - Travis
Fair - Remy Zero
Someday You Will Be Loved - Death Cab for Cutie
What If You - Joshua Radin
You Know So Well - Sondre Lerche

*lyrics for most Joshua Radin songs are not available online yet. Play the song of the day to hear What If You.

shawanda
spewed 10:26 PM

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-Not My Offiicial Return. . .But I Just Couldn't Resist-

shawanda
spewed 12:36 AM

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Thursday, February 16, 2006

-A Belated Gift. . .of Sorts-
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Well, I am officially a few days late with this entry originally intended for Valentine's Day. But as I've learned with most holidays - I should just be prepared to celebrate things on any other day BUT the day intended. My birthday, wedding anniversaries, Arbor day. . .
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So, my belated Valentine's Day gift goes out to all the Harry Potter Fans. Click on my Song of the Day and take a listen. And if you found yourself this Valentine's Day with less than sparkling results - go ahead and take a listen as well.
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Enjoy!

shawanda
spewed 7:03 AM

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Friday, February 10, 2006

-I'm Just A Copy Cat-
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Yeah, it's true. Not only am I posting a survey that I did on MySpace taken from Karen. . .I just found out that Karen also posted this survey on her main blog. Well, I don't feel bad because we all know that Karen is one cool chick!
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Name of University
Eastern Illinois University
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When you first attended, where did you live?
Carmen Hall, 8th floor, girls' tower room 805
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Who was/were your roommate(s)?
Karen from Downers Groove, IL
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Do you still talk to them?
No, the relationship slowly fizzled after she joined a sorority. She was a great first roomate though and we had tons of fun.
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Ever get in trouble in the dorms?
A few times. Mostly in someone else's room for having too many people get too loud during movie nights.
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Something you remember when you lived on campus?
Carmen Hall fire of '94/'95 - girls' side. I don't quite remember what sememster it falls in. I just remember it was cold standing outside in the middle of the night waiting to see when/if we could get back in the building. I ended up sleeping on Michelle C's dorm room floor that night.
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Your campus phone number or other number
For the life of me, I can't remember a one.
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First party attended?
Some frat party the first week of school.
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First Bar you got wasted at?
Never been wasted
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Favorite Pizza Place?
Jerry's - Mmmm BBQ Chicken Pizza!
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Favorite place to go out to eat?
What's Cookin'
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Did you go to the library?
I lived in the library! Especially my freshman year. I worked there all 4 1/2 years. My second home. . .the stacks!
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What was your Favorite Floor you'd always be on?
Freshman year -- Carmen Hall floor 8
Sophmore - Senior -- Taylor Hall floors 1 South (boys floor) and 2 North (my floor). Taylor Hall 2 North had all the cool chicks!
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Club, Athletics, Frat or Sororities, you joined?
Christian Campus House - COM, and an African American Christian sorority that was trying to establish itself. The latter was only for a small period of time. It never really got off the ground before I graduated.
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Where did you buy your books?
Yeah, textbook rental pretty much rocked!
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Who made the best wings?
Zorba's
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Favorite Bar?
I never went to the bars in Charleston. I'd go up to UofI a few times with friends.
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Ever attend a sporting event?
Football games were the place to be my freshman - sophmore years. Did attend some basketball games as well once a certain best friend became Billy the Panther.
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Ever attend a concert or comedic performance?
Received free tickets to see Hootie and the Blowfish and went to a lot of conerts held by the music department.
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Did you move off campus, when and where?
Covenant House -- my last semester senior year and almost every summer. I have to say that I loved living in the dorms.
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Who were your first off-campus roommates?
I totally don't remember. Let's see. . .Jessica, Amanda, Jenny R, Leah, Christine, and possibly Karen?
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Do you still talk to them?
Some more than others. Some not nearly enough. Oh, and the ones I don't remember probably would get a no response.
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Have you ever spent the night on campus not in a dorm hall?
Me and a couple of crazy kids (John, Chad, Mandy, Tina, Lisa, Eric Z, Eric L., Jerry, and Tonya) decided to camp out on the hill by the pond one night.
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Favorite night to go out on, and where did you go?
Up until my senior year the Lighthouse on Friday nights were soo much fun. It sorta reached lame status after that.
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Happy hour, where did you go?
Did the Lighthouse have a happy hour?
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Where did you get coffee?
Don't drink the stuff. But I went to Zorba's and had hot chocolate while everyone else drank coffee.
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Favorite Year of Halloween
I think it was my sophmore year. Besides spending an awesome night with friends, I remember Shawn S. and our friend Matt got inspired to dress up as drag queens after we saw To Wong Foo in the theatre.
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Go see a play or been in one?
As a theatre minor, I saw tons of plays. I was in a children's play (for the life of me I can't think of the name of it now!) that traveled to different elementary schools to perform. Our big EIU performances were during the big Centennial weekend celebration.
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Did you ever have a job at school?
As stated before, Booth Library was my life all 4 1/2 years of school. I also spent a summer as an EIU camp counselor.
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What do you hate about your college?
The need to actually take classes was a big one.
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What did you love most about it?
All of my friends, the Campus House, and the Freedom! (Karen totally hit this one on the head)
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Ever leave to go on a road trip, where?
Most of my mini road trips revolved around a concert of some kind (Chicago, Kansas City, Peoria, etc.). My big road trips happened during spring breaks. New Mexico, New York, Massachusetts, Nevada, and a brief day in Canada.
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Where would you believe is the best location to live in at EIU?
Off campus: Cov House
On campus: Taylor Hall
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Graduated or still attending?
Done.
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Year of graduation?
1999
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Will you go back?
Sure
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How many parking tickets have you gotten there?
0
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Finally, ever gotten arrested?
Nope, though I wonder if a bunch of us came close the night we broke into the underground tunnels of the school. We were questioned about our late night activities just after resurfacing by an on campus security guard.

shawanda
spewed 7:45 PM

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Thursday, January 19, 2006

-How Long Can It Last-
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two years ago
before you felt so familiar
before i could remember
your last name
i remember now
how our bright spring green deepened
with the years the seasons changed
and we were lush as the underside of august
the streets looked like water
they swelled and they shimmered
and they stretch like the sea
and dressed in my best shining skin
and my squinty eyes
i put the miles behind me
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and it took us so long to get here
you gotta write between lines
you gotta read between the years
and fleetingly we see ourselves pass
driving a good thing
and wondering how long can it last
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and there was much to forgive
and there was much to forget
it seems we both stood by
while the record was set
and now when i look at you
and when you look at me
it's a much different view
we are both decked out in our history
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and it took us so long to get here
you gotta write between the lines
and read between the years
and fleetingly we see ourselves pass
driving a good thing
and wondering, how long can it last
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how long can it last
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-Ani DiFranco

shawanda
spewed 5:13 AM 0 expressions

-Beyond Comprehension-
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No one hears me, understands me
I speak in silence
hoping that someone will see my words, my message
hoping to find love, it has arrived so divine
I wish for a stronger, better life
filled with everlasting touch
I dream the future, but hold the past
My body is brimmed with so many confusions
Am I really here experiencing fullness?
I must be, the pain is so real
the hurt I feel could never be imagined
but I will pull through into greatness
and destroy whatever faces into me
As I struggle I will fight until the end
Whenever it may come
-Lauren Montelbano

shawanda
spewed 5:04 AM

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Sunday, January 08, 2006

-The Morning After-
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Well, it's official. . .I am out of my mind! Yesterday I included myself among some of you who were present at Karen's wedding. I had been looking forward to going for quite some time and couldn't wait to see the faces of friends that I have not seen in what can only be considered as too long. The problem however was that my trip to Las Vegas with John ended with both of us getting some kind of bug that apparently has been going around here in Illinois.
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John's body seems to be handling things rather well whereas my body never does. So two days before the wedding I start seeing symptoms. First it's the sore throat that lasts a day and a half and makes it impossible to swallow. (Thank God for popsicles.) Then came the awful congestion and endless runny nose that no matter how many times you blow, never seems to end. This is where I was come yesterday morning. Add to that my lack of sleep due to the aforementioned symptoms. My head told me that the only choice to make was to stay home and try to get as much sleep as I possibly could. Nevertheless, my heart wouldn't let me.
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So I tagged along with John and Jessica and made the trip to Peoria to see our beloved friend Karen say, "I DO." I hugged and laughed with many of you. I even danced a little which helped clear my sinuses. And despite the fact that I blew my nose every 5 minutes, could barely breathe through most of the ceremony, and couldn't really enjoy the amazing food offered, I had a great time.
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But the morning after is a @*$%#! I woke up this morning feeling awful!! My body ached from the dancing, I have completely lost my voice, and I feel as if a Mack truck ran over me a hundred times. I apologize to those of you reading who are now sick because of me and my icky germs. I hope you can forgive me. But it was just soo good seeing you all that I know if given the choice - I would do yesterday all over again.

shawanda
spewed 3:34 PM

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Friday, December 23, 2005

-Help Wanted-
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It has taking me quite a while to write this. As usual, I am finding it hard to come up with the words in which to express my feelings. Things that God seem to be stirring up within me.
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As many of you know, John and I are going through a transitional period that leaves much to be desired. Times like this are never easy but to experience them during Christmas is especially difficult. While many others talk of gifts and parties and the joy of the season, John and I struggle with making sure the bare necessities are taken care of. And to top it off, I am physically not at my best.
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Yeah - the Christmas spirit has been hard to grab onto this year.
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But then something happened to me this Thursday. Something that not only put words to my feelings, but a desire in my heart as well. I caught the encore presentation of the Christmas special for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Though I enjoy the show thoroughly, I don't usually get a chance to watch it. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, Ty Pennington (formerly of Trading Spaces) and his design team go around the country changing lives by doing extreme makeovers to the homes of deserving families. I've always loved Ty but I enjoy him more on this show because we get to see a little more of his heart. This particular episode dealt with families helped from the past and ways they were wanting to pay it forward to others. So each design team member checked in on a family and found ways to help them help someone else. I won't go into great detail about the episode but I will say that I enjoyed watching the design team and the families come up with unique ways to serve their community. It ranged from doing a complete building makeover for a free clinic facility to passing out thousands of clothes and appliances from Sears to Katrina victims.
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I think this particular episode triggered a two-part understanding in me, of all the feelings I have been having. First of all, when you saw the looks on the faces of those who were blessed by the actions of those who were 'paying it forward' - you saw amazement and gratitude. They were not ashamed or uncomfortable - they had a need met without having to even ask or beg anyone for assistance. There is definitely a part of me that has a hard time understanding people who say things like "if we can do something, just ask." I know they have the best of intentions - but they know what we need already, whether it be a car or a ride somewhere, or help getting a few groceries. I hate imposing on people. I don't want to ask someone for help - especially when they might be in a worse situation then we are. I suppose I reason out that if someone knows of our need, they would either choose to assist, choose not to assist, or just not be able. If I then need to ask beyond that, it is as though I am not respecting their decision making process. Am I just supposed to assume that people only want to help others if those 'others' have to repeatedly asked for help?
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Perhaps this all just hits very close to home right now, but my feelings on this matter are not solely directed inward. There is something in this TV show that has put words to something I have been wanting to do for a while. I want to be able to listen and observe and be a part of people's lives, and when they express a need in their life, I want for us to be able to step up and meet that need - without the need for a specific phone call, or request. The fact that they have a need, in and of itself, should be sufficient to call me to action. There is this idea of blessing others because we have been blessed... This strikes me as a pro-active kind of idea, not reactive. Because I have been blessed, I want to seek opportunities to help others, however I can - not wait until I am asked, and then consider whether or not I am able. I want the people I help to feel like they are receiving a gift, NOT a favor. I want to help others, without them once thinking they owe me something, or that they are probably imposing because they had to call me to spark me into action. Am I way off on this one?

shawanda
spewed 6:33 PM

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Monday, December 19, 2005

- Listen Up. . .Part II-
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Did any of you know Rebekah Songer could sing and play the piano. . .really well? And I need to confirm this from her but, I think she wrote all the songs as well. Go check out her MySpace music site.

shawanda
spewed 1:52 AM

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